As per the title, this post is about sexual consent. Before you read it, I invite you to check in with yourself. Depending on your background, this topic may stir up some strong emotions. Please make sure you feel regulated and supported enough before choosing to continue reading.

Doing okay?

Let’s get into it.

What exactly is consent and what does it have to do with tea?

Consent and the law

Different cultures and contexts view consent in different ways, and the legal age of consent varies between different countries from as young as 12 years old to 21. In New Zealand, the legal age of sexual consent is 16. This means any sexual activity with someone younger than 16, even with consent, is an illegal act and prosecutable. If you are in doubt as to what the legal age of consent is where you are, here is a link to finding the age of consent for each country.

My research led me to the following definition which seems to reflect the current most widely accepted understanding of sexual consent:

“One’s voluntary, sober, and conscious willingness to engage in a particular sexual behavior with a particular person within a particular context.” Willis and Jozkowski (2019)₁

Based on this understanding:

1. Consent must be freely given, without pressure, coercion, manipulation, or fear.
2. A person needs to be sober and capable of making an informed decision.
3. Consent requires awareness and understanding of what is happening.
4. Previous sexual experiences do not automatically mean future consent.

Consent is also an ongoing conversation. It must be given each time you engage in sexual activity, and it can be withdrawn at any point.

What sex has to do with tea

Have a look at the following made up conversations, and see how those land for you, in other words, what is happening in your body when you read each scenario.

Three brief conversations about tea and consent:

First conversation:

A – “Hey, I made you a cup of tea.”

B – “Oh, okay, I’m not really in the mood for tea.”

A – “Okay, cool. Did you want to try a sip first to see if you’d like it?

B – “No thanks, maybe I’ll have some tea later.”

A – “Okay, tell me when you do, and I’ll get you some tea.”

Second conversation:

A – “Hey, I made you a cup of tea.”

B – “Oh, okay, I’m not really in the mood for tea.”

A – “That’s cool. Did you want to try a sip first to see if you’d like it?

B – “Sure.”

A – “What do you think? Is the tea okay?”

B – “Actually, yes, it’s nice 🙂 I’ll have the tea, thanks.”

Third conversation:

A – “Hey, I made you a cup of tea.”

B – “Oh, okay, I’m not really in the mood for tea.”

A – “But I made you a cup of tea. Please drink it.”

B – “No, thank you. As I said, I don’t want tea right now.”

A – “Oh, c’mon, just drink the tea!”

B – “As I said, I don’t want tea right now, so please stop asking.”

A – Gets annoyed or even brings the teacup to B’s lips to try make them drink the tea.

If you can imagine this last interaction, you would think that someone trying to force another person to drink tea is weird (and yes, it is!). Unfortunately that is exactly how some people treat sexual consent. They expect, or demand, or try manipulate another person to get their own desires met without regard for how the other person feels, or what the other person wants or doesn’t want. DON’T be that person!

The Tea analogy is from this clever video posted by the Thames Valley Police Department in the United Kingdom. It is worth watching and forwarding to people around you who can benefit from it.

Consent is about more than just the legalities

What is clear about the tea analogy is that healthy consent is about creating a relationship and environment that is SAFE, based on trust, respect, and well communicated boundaries.

Clearly communicating and clarifying consent

Because communication is verbal and non-verbal, please take into account the body language of the person you would like to have sex with. If they give you a verbal ‘Yes’, but their body is going into a freeze response (nonverbal communication), STOP and check in with them. Make sure that they are really onboard with what is happening, and ensure them that there is no pressure from you.

If, for example, you want to lean in for a kiss and they lean in to kiss you too without saying anything, it is still good to check if you’re not 100% certain it is what they want to do.

If you are feeling uncomfortable about anything that is happening, or want it to stop, you need to let your partner know that whatever is going on is not feeling good or safe or pleasurable. It is also better to verbally tell the other person to stop, or to change something as nonverbal communication and body language can be misinterpreted. The other person should respect you and stop when you ask. If they don’t, reiterate what you want and do so more firmly, if need be yell for them to stop.

No form of sexual activity should ever be endured, tolerated, passively accepted, or forced.

Sometimes people say ‘yes’ to sex even if they want to say ‘no’. This happens for different reasons (I’ll address that in a follow-up blog post).

However, sexual activity that is forced on anyone or happens through pressure, fear, manipulation, intimidation, or overriding someone’s boundaries is not consent, it is assault.

If you have ever experienced any form of sexual assault, I am really sorry that happened to you. Remind yourself that being coerced, or forced into any activity against your will is an injustice against you. Shame and guilt belongs to the perpetrator, always and 100%.

Processing situations like this can take time. If you want to talk to someone, there is a list of helpful links at the end of this post. Please reach out to someone.

Consent and respect

General respect for other people’s boundaries is the foundation for respecting someone else’s sexual boundaries. If you are with someone who disregards your boundaries in general, they may not have a problem pushing against your sexual boundaries, or trying to coerce you into engaging in something you do not want.

Consent and awareness

If you are engaging in sexual activity and you’re unsure if things are still going in the right direction or if everyone is still on the same page, ask. Good questions include:

‘Are you still okay with this?’

‘I’d like to do this, are you okay with it?’

What sexual consent is NOT

Sex should happen in a SAFE space and be enjoyable and fun for everyone involved, something that all parties genuinely want to and agree to participate in.

Only a full embodied and enthusiastic ‘YES!’, means ‘yes’!

‘Yes’, while their body is freezing up, shutting down, or if they are dissociating, is NOT consent. Embodied consent asks us to pay attention not just to words, but to nonverbal cues of the other person.

Silence doesn’t mean ‘yes’, it is not consent.

‘Maybe’, doesn’t mean ‘yes’, it is not consent

Not resisting does not count as consent either.

When a person is asleep or unconscious consent cannot be given.

If a person does not fully comprehend the situations consent is not valid.

Teaching consent

There has been a longstanding debate about who’s responsible for teaching consent. I believe it is the responsibility of parents / caregivers to initially teach and model consent from a young age. This can be as simple as asking a child if it is okay to give them a hug or cuddle. To respect them if they say no, and to teach them about feeling safe, boundaries, and consent. By modeling this behaviour, it teaches them that they have the right to say yes or not, and it teaches them to respect other’s boundaries and ask for consent themselves.

When should we start teaching our young people about consent?

As early as possible!

I grew up in a culture where you greeted visiting relatives with a kiss on the mouth, whether you liked it or not. It was even considered ‘rude’ not to. WTF!!? No child, should EVER be forced to hug or kiss anyone! That is teaching children that they don’t have agency over their bodies and even to override any possible discomfort they experience in their bodies.

Instead, we should teach and show our children that they too deserve respect.

Teach them that they have agency over their own bodies.

Teach them consent when they are very young.

Teach them that if their bodies feel uncomfortable with a hug, or a tickle, or any other contact, even if it’s from mum or dad, they should ask that to stop, and to do so using their big voice, AND expect to be heard.

Teach them to NOT KEEP SECRETS, that if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable in any way, they should tell a trusted adult.

Final thoughts

Consent is not just about avoiding harm, it’s about honouring safety, trust, respect, and genuine connection.

This is true for new and long-term relationships. Some people may think that asking for consent at various stages of play, especially in long-term relationships may be messing with the flow of things, or even be unromantic. In my experience though, the opposite is often true. Knowing that your partner genuinely cares about how you feel, is truly willing to try what you offer, and gives you the space to say ‘no’, creates more safety, more trust, the ability to relax, and greater opportunity for curiosity.

When we feel safe our nervous system relaxes enough to be able to play, let go a bit more, and have fun. When we are able to do that, intimacy becomes infinitely more pleasurable.

Helpful links and contact details

Important Helplines:

Below are several useful helplines for New Zealand residents.  ** If you are outside of NZ – please visit the link below to find helplines close to you: https://findahelpline.com/

New Zealand Helplines:

**EMERGENCY (Ambulance, Police, Fire) – 111

Sexual abuse/Rape

National Rape & Sexual Abuse Crisis Line – Support after rape or sexual assault 0800 883 300

Safe To Talk – Sexual harm helpline 0800 044 334 or text 4334

24/7 HELPline – Support for sexual abuse survivors 0800 623 1700 or text 8236

Men & Trauma – 0800 63 62 63

Violence

Women’s Refuge Crisis Line – 0800 733 843 (0800 REFUGE) – For women living with violence and fear

Shakti Crisis Line –  0800 742 584 (0800 SHAKTI) – Multilingual helpline for migrant or refugee women living with family violence

Are You Ok – 0800 456 450 – Family violence info lineTo talk about family violence and find help for yourself or others

Shine – 0508 744 633 – Confidential family violence support, information and advice to the community

Youth

Youthline – 0800 376 633 or online chat available or free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz

What’s Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5 – 18 year olds – 11am to 11pm) or online chat available

Mental health

Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

 Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202

Anxiety NZ – 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)

Physical health

Healthline – 0800 611 116 Health advice from professional healthcare providers

Helpful APPS

https://healthify.nz/apps/m/mental-health-and-wellbeing-apps

1. Willis, M., & Jozkowski, K. N. (2019). Sexual precedent’s effect on sexual consent communication. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48, 1723-1734. https://doi. org/10.1007/s10508-018-1348-7